Zoey’s Extraordinary Reckoning: A Journey Towards Allyship

If there is any episode of “Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist” that is worth watching, it is season two’s episode entitled, Zoey’s Extraordinary Reckoning. At times uncomfortable to watch, while at other times uplifting, it dives deep into both the black and white experience.  

To give you a quick backstory, Zoey and Simon work at SPRQPOINT, a tech firm in Silicon Valley. Zoey has recently been promoted to executive manager of the fourth floor. Simon was recently promoted to PR Spokesperson. After a glitch is discovered in SPRQPOINT’s latest venture the Chirp, Simon is told to make a statement to the media. While he addresses the glitch, which is that the facial recognition software is having trouble identifying people of color, he also addresses the overarching problem at SPRQPOINT. “But what has not been fixed is the environment that led to this embarrassing oversight…If we don’t start talking about this now, nothing is ever going to change.” The company only has one person of color in managerial positions globally, with not a single person of color on the board.

I applaud the show for its authenticity in reflecting both sides of this exchange. Many of the “flaws” or blind spots in which I see in Zoey were ones that I too have seen in myself. After Simon speaks his truth, Zoey runs to the elevator not understanding how she could have missed this. She begins with an apology, admitting that she was too focused on coming up with a solution to a problem that she failed to see the real problem.

Zoey: “First of all, woah! Secondly, why didn’t you tell me?”

Simon: “I did try to tell you. I called you. Right after Danny Michael Davis dropped this on me. You weren’t really listening.”

Zoey: “I thought I was listening. You said there was a problem with the Chirp, so I assumed that it was a coding issue, not that issue.”

Simon: “Well, when a black employee tells you that a tech device is having trouble recognizing people of color, I think maybe you’d be able to put two and two together.”

Zoey: “I was so focused on coming up with a solution I wasn’t hearing what was behind the problem.”

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While Zoey immediately apologizes, she does not quite know what she is apologizing for. She has trouble addressing the problem as one of racism- instead, she calls it “that issue.” While Zoey recognizes that her own biases led her to not truly hear the problem, this lack of awareness makes her feel guilty. Again, she tries to apologize but an apology is not what Simon is looking for.

At the beginning of my journey and even now, I have had a hard time recognizing or calling out my own inherent biases. I, like Zoey was afraid of using terms that might offend or be misinterpreted. I too have felt the need to apologize because it was easier or seemed like it was the right thing to do. I have learned that naming that which it truly is, is both necessary and needed.

The second necessary yet uncomfortable scene is when Zoey tells Simon that the CEO Danny Michael Davis wants him to retract his statement. She states, “It’s total BS but I’m just the messenger,” and tells Simon he’s not alone.

Simon’s response is, “I don’t feel like you’re just the messenger and I do feel very alone in this.” Zoey tries to offer allyship, yet at this point does not understand what that means. She responds, “I’m on your side.” Simon replies, “It’s impossible for you to be on my side in this situation. And you cannot rewrite an experience you know nothing about.”

And here the truth comes to light:

Zoey: “I mean, I know a little right?”

Simon: “How?”

Zoey: “I’m a woman in the tech world. I know what it’s like to be..”

Simon: “Yes, but that has nothing to do with who I am as a black man in the world and what my experience as a black man is in this office…I have to constantly amputate parts of who I am to make others feel comfortable in my presence, so they feel safe. So that when I walk on the elevator, they aren’t startled when they see me. Do you even have to think about that?”

Zoey: “I mean, if I’m being honest, when I see you, I just see Simon.”

Simon: “Simon is a black man. You seeing me as only Simon denies a fundamental part of who I am. And you asking me to walk back my words, Zoey, is telling me to deny that fundamental part of who I am.”  

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Again, I see myself in Zoey. How often have I been taught as a white woman, to try and relate to others by relaying shared experiences? There are times when I am looked at differently because I am a woman and not a man. I struggle to overcome barriers as a woman. But this is not a one-upmanship, and it is not the same thing. Sometimes the best thing I can do as a white woman is to listen and acknowledge that I hear your experience.   

I also thought not seeing color was a good thing. It meant that I look at people for who they are. But in denying blackness, you are not seeing someone as they are. You are not acknowledging their experience. And as Simon goes on to say, “And you asking me to walk back my words, Zoey, is telling me to deny that fundamental part of who I am. And whether you’re doing that as my boss or my friend that makes you part of the problem.”

Enacting real change is messy. It involves long, hard conversations and a deep dive into the uncomfortable. But Simon was right. We cannot actively move forward by acknowledging a problem if we refuse to do anything to change it.

By the conclusion of the episode, after a slew of SPRQPOINT employees tell their stories of racism via social media, Simon tells the board that he will be amending his statement to say that his experience is shared- but that the work is just beginning.

“See we’re not going to be able to fix this problem with just diversity committees, workshops, donating to a few places to help clear your conscience. It’s about changing the culture here. It’s about being inclusive in the rooms where decisions are being made, including this one.”

I am still learning what it means to be an ally. It is not an easy journey. Sometimes I say the right thing and sometimes I don’t. But I am learning not to be afraid to say how I feel. And I am asking that if I do say the wrong thing, please be patient with me and call me out on it.

When Zoey tells Simon he is going to quit, (prior to others coming out and sharing their stories), she responds, “You have to do what feels right for you. And I support you.” I wholeheartedly felt this deep in my soul. Acknowledging that though our struggles are not the same, but instead require a partnership is what allyship means to me.

 

‘Untamed’ Seeks to Find Your Inner Truth

Glennon Doyle’s “Untamed” asserts that we were conditioned at a young age to be something that we are not.  She asks, “Who was I before I became who the world told me to be?” (p. 6).  This “taming” begins around age ten, when “children begin to hide who they are in order to become what the world expects them to be… Ten is when the world sat me down, told me to be quiet, and pointed towards my cages” (p. 4). 

The more Doyle tried to tame the “wild” within her, the more she truly lost herself.  It was not until many years later as an adult that she came to this realization-and came to accept and Know the person she was supposed to be.

When Doyle shares learning of her husband’s infidelity, Doyle’s reaction might appear to some as odd, but as a writer myself who can appreciate the perfect plot mixed in with humor, (whether it was added for comedic relief or her actual reaction at the time), I would call it freaking fabulous.  “I sat in the driver’s seat for a while and realized that the revelation of my husband’s betrayal did not leave me feeling the despair of a wife with a broken heart.  I was feeling the rage of a writer with a broken plot.  Hell hath no fury like a memoirist whose husband just f***d up her story” (p. 33).

Ironically, at the very book tour where she was promoting “Love Warrior” about her current “love story,” was where her next love story began- when a woman named Abby lit the room on fire.  Doyle’s love for her wife Abby is conveyed so poignantly throughout this book, that it makes you wonder if love at first sight exists.  “Fire-red and golden rolling bubbles of pain and love and longing filled me, brought me to my feet, threw my arms open wide, insisting: There. She. Is” (p. 46).  Seeing Abby brought out her “wild.”  She writes, “I wanted her, and it was the first time I wanted something beyond what I had been trained to want” (p. 5).  It was the first time Doyle gave herself permission to love without restriction.  “After thirty years of contorting myself to fit inside someone else’s idea of love, I finally had a love that fit—custom made for me, by me” (p. 5).

Some might call Doyle’s story or family unconventional—but the purpose of this book is to challenge conventions.  Any word that was ever created is a perception of how groups of people came to describe something.  Accepting the way things are “supposed to be” takes away from individual lived experiences.  Doyle shares her experiences, showing how she challenges the system, whatever that might be.  A family does not have to be nuclear.  Love does not have to be between a man and a woman.  Doyle challenges you to ask yourself what beliefs you hold that you were conditioned to believe as truths and then flip them on their head.  Find your truth.  Find your Knowing. 

The problem with conformity is of course nothing changes.  People remain comfortable, complacent even.  Every movement in history started with someone bringing light to the uncomfortable.  As Doyle writes, it was only when she stopped pleasing others that became who she was meant to be.  “I set free my beautiful, rowdy, true wild self…I did it by resurrecting the very parts of myself I was trained to mistrust, hide, and abandon in order to keep others comfortable..” (p. 47).

As Doyle recalls speaking with Oprah Winfrey about her first memoir in which she wrote, “I was born a little broken,” (p. 114), Doyle now sees the absurdity of that statement.  She writes on p. 92, “Broken means: does not function as it was designed to function.  A broken human is one who does not function the way humans are designed to function.” 

As Doyle speaks candidly about her battles with bulimia and alcoholism, this becomes even clearer.  Life was not designed to be easy.  It was meant to be messy and challenging.  “Being human is not hard because you’re doing it wrong, it’s hard because you’re doing it right.  You will never change the fact that being human is hard, so you must change your idea that it was ever supposed to be easy” (p. 93).  Our shared human experiences are filled with doubt, envy, longing to do better or be better, etc.  Confronting these challenges is what makes us human.  “If this is our shared human experience, where did we get the idea that there is some other, better, more perfect, unbroken way to be human?” (p. 93).   

Everyone possesses within them a voice that guides them.  Some might call it a conscience, others might call it God, but Doyle calls it the Knowing.  “The Knowing feels like warm, liquid gold filling my veins..” (p. 58).  She first discovered it after several sessions of climbing into her closet, closing her eyes, and “sinking” into herself.  “I have learned that if I want to rise, I have to sink first” (p. 60).  When confronted with decisions, Doyle writes, “I just do the next thing the Knowing guides me toward, one thing at a time.  I don’t ask permission first..” (p. 60). 

If there’s anything I’ve learned from this book it is to be brave- whatever that means to you.  Embrace your Knowing.  When you find it, there is no need to be afraid.  Take chances.  Defy conventions.  You got this.

Today is Friday, July 24^th and Taylor Swift just released her latest album yesterday.  I have been working on this review for a few days, not quite sure how to work in the beautiful artwork on the front cover, of which I knew I had to have because it is glittery and colorful and speaks to me, despite the fact that you should never judge a book by its cover.  And there in the song, “Illicit Affairs” I see it all clearly now.  Abby is all over this cover.  Doyle’s story began with her husband’s illicit affairs, but her story didn’t end there.  She got out of that relationship and Abby reawakened her life to one filled with colors “you know I can't see with anyone else.” 

Incomparable: The Bella Twins

A couple of years ago, I stumbled upon a show called “Total Bellas.”  It was a show premised around identical twin sisters Nikki and Brie Bella and their lives both inside and outside the wrestling ring.  I had never been into wrestling despite growing up with two brothers who loved it religiously and I’m still not so much, but I was captivated by the story behind the scenes- both in the locker room and outside of it.  In particular, that meant watching how these two powerhouses led the charge on changing the culture of WWE as well as become powerful entrepreneurs outside the ring.  I’ve continued to follow their journey onto “Total Bellas,” Nicole on Dancing with the Stars, their foray into the creation of a women empowerment line Birdie Bee and of course their wine lines (I finally snagged 2 bottles of their Rose before it sold out again).  Diving into their memoir, I thought I knew the whole story but the cameras can only capture so much.  Their memoir is honest, raw, and filled with anecdotes that unmask how emotionally, spiritually, and brave these sisters are.  Incomparable feels like a journey of self-discovery, and one in which women in particular will likely relate to. 

Empowerment

Too often women get bogged down by the perception of how society wants them to act or look.  If you are a size 0 you are too thin, if you are a size 10 you are too fat, if you speak your mind you are a bitch.  Name-calling, competitiveness and judgement happen in all aspects of life and it certainly happened at WWE but both Bellas navigated that terrain and came out of it stronger.  I certainly stand in solidarity with Nicole as she writes, “As women, we too often feel threatened by other women.  We should celebrate what they achieve as a testament of what we can achieve too” (p. xi). 

Brie mentions how at WWE, it wasn’t always your time to shine, that you had to step aside to let others have their moment.  Back when male wrestlers were labeled Superstars, and female wrestlers only as Divas, this perspective had yet to be realized.  While female wrestlers may not be 100% on equal footing with their male counterparts today, there is no denying the impact the Bella twins had on narrowing the gender divide.

Confidence

Confidence is about knowing your self-worth and not caring about those who judge.  As Nicole writes on page 212, “I love myself, I respect myself, I am sexual, and I am strong—I can kick anyone’s ass.  But I would rather do it in Christian Louboutin heels and a bondage dress.”

Motherhood

When Birdie Bee was launched, Brie made it a point to not be photo shopped when photographing their lingerie line.  She admits that her body had changed after the birth of Birdie, and despite being an athlete, losing weight was hard.  She easily could have turned down her big comeback or crash dieted but wanted to set an example for Birdie.  She in turn set an example for girls and women everywhere. 

As Brie reflects on Birdie’s birth, she recounts how it was the first time in her life where she was powerless. Despite her and her husband’s best efforts, planning the perfect birth did not pan out but it was when she relinquished control that she realized that was how it was meant to be.  “By all means, shoot for the stars and declare the birth story of your dreams, but think of it instead as like a birth wish instead of a birth plan. There is no shame if it doesn’t work out, and no shame in needing help” (p. 216).

Women today wear many hats, and should not feel embarrassed or undeserving of taking time for their self either!  Brie says it best, “Sometimes at the end of a crazy day, when I know I should work out, I choose to pour myself a glass of wine instead.  There are days when you need to say screw the gym in favor of some Cabernet—embrace them!” (p. 223).

#MeToo

As a woman, I have often viewed power in a negative connotation.  However, as a cultural shift has begun especially with the #MeToo movement, that view is also shifting.  I was shocked to learn that Nicole was a victim of sexual assault twice in her life.  By sharing her story, hopefully others will find solace in knowing that despite that trauma, she has learned to use her voice.  She writes, “Being a woman, and owning our femininity, is an incredible source of power.  Being a woman means you have the ability to enthrall, the ability to hold, the ability to create.  And so much more” (p. 213).

Heartbreak

When Brie reflects on her first true love Bear, who died in a tragic car accident, the reader sees her vulnerable side while also remembering what it is like to be young and in love.  She writes, “We had a profound connection, like we had known each other forever.” (p. 59).  When he passed she writes, “Feeling ‘normal’ again was a terrifying idea.  I didn’t want a new normal without Bear” (p. 65).  But she did find a new normal.  Considering that is a word that gets tossed out a lot given the current climate of the world, Brie found a way to incorporate her past with her present, taking signs from Bear throughout her life, pushing her forward to fall in love again and achieve her dreams.  My favorite stories include when she went to see a psychic who knew things that only she and Bear shared such as the way he stroked her earlobes.  The hairs on my neck stood up.  Or when she went to a bookstore and was looking through a book on bears, and a feather flew out of it.  It is ok to hold onto these memories and take them with you.  When she speaks of her husband Bryan, he just gets it, “He can hold all of me, even the parts that will be a little broken…He understands that my heart is fully his—but that there’s room in there to celebrate Bear” (p. 74).    

Love

Only one chapter was reserved for John Cena.  At first glance, this seemed odd given Nicole and John were in a relationship for 8 years, even getting engaged at one point.  Nicole mentions how viewers got to see their relationship play out on tv in real time, and from what I remember John was a very private person so this makes sense.  However, as I dive into Chapter 9 and Nicole notes she had “many regrets about that relationship” (p. 199), it is clear that there are wounds there that she had to work through to get to where she is today- wounds that are private and don’t necessarily need to be shared with the whole world.

I suspect much of this book was also written prior to Nicole’s relationship with Artem, her now fiancé, and the soon-to-be-birth of her son.  That is a chapter that has yet to be written, and is a love story all its own.  I am looking forward to that chapter knowing that motherhood was always in the cards for Nicole.

Additionally, watching Brie reconnect with Bryan in this past season of Total Bellas and finding out that baby number two was on the way at the same time as her twin sister- that’s another chapter that has yet to be written. 

Some chapters were harder to read then others, such as hearing about the physical abuse suffered at the hands of their father, or how they found their mother sobbing when she learned of his infidelity.  It is easy to assume sometimes that those in the spotlight have everything they have ever wanted and never once suffered any sort of pain, but that is simply not true.  I found that Nicole and Brie shared their stories in a way that made me appreciate them even more.  Nicole sums it up best:  “It isn’t surprising that a lot of people assume Brie and I are in the wrestling game because we want to be famous; but we’re actually in this because we want to be successful…we wanted to change the world” (p. 231).

I’ll Never Change My Name, A Journey of Self-Discovery

I’ll Never Change My Name feels like an extended conversation with an old friend.  I’ve always been a fan of Val’s humor and delivery and his voice is all over this book.  There were many one liners where I could picture him saying the words out loud and then flashing that signature smile of his that always melts my heart.  Val’s witty banter comes through in his word choices, which at times, literally made me laugh out loud.  While not claiming to be a self-help book, advice is scattered throughout, as Val’s mantras for life come alive on the pages through his unique challenges, his highs and his lows. 

The book is divided into 5 parts and alternate between two titles: “A Journey in Dance,” and “A Journey in Life.”  I believe this was done to illustrate how dance and life are interwoven for Val.  His journey is not complete without the other.  As you delve into the book, he comes across as someone who has made mistakes, but never admitted defeat, whose loyalty to his family is evident through every page, and who always strives to be better. 

Val’s is not a story of rags to riches, but of a Russian immigrant who quite literally found his “footing” in America (pun intended) and now calls it home.  Val invites you to take a journey with him: it’s one of “fulfillment, exploration, and celebration.”  On that journey, you’ll get to explore several facets of what make Val who he is today, including his rise to the top in the competitive ballroom dance circuit, the opening of the family business, (first Rising Stars Dance Academy, then Dance With Me studios), and of course his transformation on “DWTS.”

Valentin Aleksandrovich Chmerkovskiy is quite a mouthful.  Val admits that most people could not even pronounce it until he began a stint on ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars.”  First appearing in 2006 on the second season as the student of brother Maksim Chmerkovskiy, it wasn’t until 2011 during season 13 when Val became a professional dancer.  Now, with two mirrorballs later, 2 tours: Maks and Val: Our Way in 2016 and most recently, Maks & Val & Peta this year, it’s safe to say that there is no telling what the future holds for this once “G” list celebrity. 

While I may not exactly remember Val’s first appearances on “DWTS” his charm, dancing savvy, and personality have made me into a longtime fan.  I’ve even had the pleasure of meeting him twice- and can say without a doubt, he cares tremendously for his fans.  On one such occasion, after waiting outside after his San Diego show for nearly an hour, (I convinced my friend that he would likely come out after) low and behold, I was right.  He took the time to individually talk to about 10 of us, take selfies and sign his book. 

It’s an odd thing isn’t it, coming face-to-face with “celebrities?”  I couldn’t imagine being on the receiving end, but Val describes the moment perfectly: “Without realizing it, I had become something like a D-list—no, not even a D-list—I had become a G-list celebrity.”  During the midseason of “Dancing with the Stars,” at a meet and greet at a Long Island pub is when it truly happened.  “I felt myself changing, starting to care about people more now that I saw them care about me.”  It was all about connection.  “..I came to realize that connection was what I’d been searching for my entire life.”  I’m proud to be a fan and even more proud to say that reading this book has made me feel as though Val has let me into the private side of his life that has made him who he is today.

I’ll Never Change My Name opens with an anecdote that sets up the theme of self-discovery and self-identity. It is a very human thing to feel a sense of not belonging—it can occur at any time in one’s life.  Often times people come into our lives who help us on this path.  Enter Olympic Medalist Laurie Hernandez.

In the summer of 2016, Val ducks into a bodega in Manhattan, and on TV is the Olympics gymnastics competition.  He describes watching “a small-statured girl, very young, super charming.”  She “had a special quality about her, a calmness in the middle of a pressure-packed situation.”  He goes onto to say that, “She wasn’t just an Olympic athlete, but a little star.”  On one of her passes during her tumbling routine, “She found the camera.”  Little did Val know, they would later become partners and lifelong friends on “DWTS,” and earn Val his second mirrorball trophy. 

Val had to tackle many stereotypes throughout his life and I particularly enjoyed his insights on the matter.  In a world where we constantly use labels to define others, and the political climate grows more and more tense every day, it’s refreshing to be reminded that walls are meant to broken.  “When someone labels you, it means they can stop thinking about you as a human being,” says Val. Case in point, is Val “the ballroom dance guy on TV?”  Yes, but he’s also so much more than that.  He’s also a brother, a son, a goofball, a poet, a baller, and a genuinely hardworking individual.

Val grew up in Odessa, Ukraine, and emigrated to Brooklyn, New York at age 8.  Throughout the book, the reader gains access into Val’s earliest memories.  As Val mentions, it’s hard to imagine his hometown Odessa, unless you’ve experienced it firsthand.  “There was little money around, no jobs, zero opportunity.”  As a reader though, we see glimpses of Val as a child, getting kicked out of kindergarten for pushing children off the merry-go-round, playing scales on his violin for a full hour, and then running outside to play with his friends.  Years later, when he steps off the plane at JFK his first impression of America was “the air smelled different,” “the colors seemed sharper,” and the water tasted fresher.  This taste of freedom truly opened his eyes.

In hindsight, sometimes some of your best memories may today be your most embarrassing.  I”ll Never Change My Name is filled with stories like this, like when Val appeared on “Sally” in his zebra shirt, thinking he was so cool.  I can relate- I remember owning a pleather purple jacket myself, that at the time made me feel like I had just raided Cher’s closet from “Clueless.” 

Likewise, I think we can all relate to a time in life where we put in the effort and were not rewarded.  You can either admit defeat, or work even harder to prove yourself the second time around.  When this happened to Val, it drove him to push harder.  His crowning moment in his life, when realized, was so incredibly powerful to read, that take it from me, you just have to read it for yourself.  If I could use one word to describe that moment, it would be glorious.     

I especially enjoyed the dynamic throughout the book between Val and Maks.  “The most important thing to know about me is family.  In fact, very nearly the only thing to know about me is family.”  While Val’s love for Maks is apparent, it is also clear that Val craved the spotlight.  My favorite line of the book really speaks to anyone who has siblings- “I’m not some sidekick and I never set out to be Robin.  I am Batman.”  He admits that sharing the spotlight “has its own tricky challenges.”  By the time Val made his first guest appearance on “DWTS” in 2006, the dynamic began to shift even more—Maks was gaining fame, and Val wanted a taste of it.  Meanwhile, he was still doing his own thing competing in the ballroom dance competition circuit. 

By the time Val began his first season as a pro in 2011, he admits that his first impression on the show made him sound like a “snotty little douchebag.”  Back then, Team Maks fans took Val’s playful sarcasm as trash talk, pitting the two against each other.  Being paired with Elisabetta Cannalis, designer Roberto Cavalli’s muse, or better known as George Clooney’s ex didn’t make things any easier, as Val struggled with how to teach her.  He wanted to prove himself that first season, yet his flaw was he was teaching her how to become a world champion ballroom dancer, not how to ballroom dance on a television show.  His technique was harsh.  “..I didn’t place much value on uplifting rhetoric, because I was so accustomed to using challenging rhetoric.”  What came across on the screen was for a lack of a better term, an *hole.  They were eliminated in week two.  At this point in Val’s career, he was young.  He had a lot to learn.   But in retrospect, it allowed him to shine the rest of the season as a solo dancer.  

When Season 15 of “DWTS” rolled around in 2012, Val finally got a taste of the spotlight.  The season was composed of all-stars, both champions and fan favorites from various seasons.  Val was paired with “General Hospital’s” Kelly Monaco, the first mirrorball champion ever.  It was Val’s first taste of a “fully adult season.”  While Val admits, he played into his sex symbol role, he also admits, “Kelly mentored me in ways that I desperately needed back then.”  Another 5 seasons would pass before Val was paired with singer Rumer Willis in season 20.  Together they went on to win the coveted mirrorball.

For all the intimate details Val shares about his life, he reserves only two pages to his now-fiancé, and the reigning mirrorball champ Jenna Johnson (with partner Adam Rippon, Olympic medalist) but that is that is needed to show how much she means to him.   Val expresses insecurities that most people would be afraid to put down on paper and that is what makes it so honest and real.  I love the line, “Sometimes it’s your moment, and you’ve got to love that, and sometimes it’s her moment, and you’ve got to love that too.”  This past season, Val was there in the audience rooting on Jenna every week, and gushing about how proud he was of her.  Their love story is not one that is contrived for ratings and time will continue to make it stronger.

I’ll Never Change My Name is a great uplifting read for any fan of “DWTS,” or dance.  But it’s also a story of family, friendship, struggles, wins, and losses.  Whether you are a fan of Val’s or not, by the end you will be in his corner.  As we look to the upcoming year, there are sure to be even more chapters to add to Val’s story, (wedding perhaps?) and I can’t wait to read all about it.    

Bachelor Nation Shook to the Core, with Most Shocking Upset Yet

Many women dream of the moment their significant other will get down on one knee and ask those three magic words, “Will you marry me?”  For Becca and the viewers, it appeared that she was finally going to get her happily ever after with Arie.  Then, in a shocking turn of events, we watched producers film what they lauded as a completely unedited, two-camera angle scene, showing Arie confessing his love for the “other girl,” ending his engagement, and leaving most of Bachelor Nation feeling duped.               

As I write this, I am painfully aware that anything I say must be taken with a grain of salt.  We all know that television is geared at ratings and that many of the fairy tale endings we witness on the last episode of the Bachelor end up not translating to the real world.   There have certainly been other questionable bachelors who audiences discovered did not turn out to be as genuine as they were initially portrayed.  However, when the first thought that crossed my mind while watching this scene play out was Juan Pablo is looking pretty good right about now, you know this situation is alarming.

Let me also preface this by saying I wasn’t invested in this season of the Bachelor as much as I wanted to be.  I always thought there was something off with Arie, and I couldn’t quite place it.  Despite this, I too am a sap for happy endings and tuned into the finale hoping for one.  Here are the rest of my thoughts, in no particular order. 

Arie had no business getting down on one knee if he was unsure that he was making the right decision.  Becca echoed this sentiment.  She didn’t deserve this.  No one does.  I also question whether he really fell in love with Becca at all, or just fell in the love with the idea of her.  She’s intelligent, smart, and knows what she wants.  She didn’t appear to be as guarded as Lauren, and I feel like we got to know her better than Lauren, yet something was off.  What was it?  

When Becca walks into the house and mentions how gorgeous it is, I felt a horrible pit forming in my stomach.  I’m sure producers probably told her some lie about how they were going to film an update of their life now.  It was an unsettling feeling that only grew more once they began talking. 

For much of this extended, unedited scene, we repeatedly hear Arie saying he’s going to leave and instead he paces throughout the house, has the nerve to ask Becca if she’s ok and then decides that he still wants to talk.  Again, putting aside the biases that go into creating a television show, what man decides to go on television and break someone’s heart and then continues to stick around after she tells him to repeatedly leave?  I literally was screaming at the television, “OMG, just go already!”

Arie’s choice of words that this will likely make him “unpopular” has to be the understatement of the year.  Again, this goes back to uncertainty.  If you weren’t sure, you shouldn’t have proposed.  And furthermore, let’s stop and ponder a moment about whether or not Lauren takes him back.  She was also humiliated and heartbroken when he sent her packing.  Will his apology be enough to pick up the pieces?   

If anyone deserves to be the next Bachelorette, it is Becca.  For anyone who thinks this was a carefully orchestrated plot on behalf of ABC, I say anything’s possible I guess, but I also highly doubt anyone willingly chooses to be made to look like a fool.

I’ll be tuning in tonight just like the rest of America to see how this all plays out, but I suspect there will even more boos tonight than last night when Arie takes the stage.  Is anyone else getting Jerry Springer vibes?         

Farewell AIM, and We Thank You

I can distinctly remember in middle school, rushing to get home to turn on AIM.  Looking back now, it’s kind of strange how often the people we would be communicating with in real life were the same ones we rushed home to talk to.  But here I look fondly back at a messaging device that most millennials including myself, used and loved.

1.) Your Screenname

Careful thought and planning went into the creation of a screenname that easily said who you were but also didn’t.  While some people put careful consideration into the numbers at the second half of their screenname, others took the easier route and just used their birthdays, which should be noted by today’s standards of identity theft was probably a bad idea. I took this route.  Mine was carefully orchestrated to reveal my love for my favorite television show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  My second screenname was a bit more mysterious.  It revealed my love for the Backstreet Boys, but if you didn’t know me or you weren’t a fan, you might not have caught on.  I also thought it would look cooler if I alternated caps and lower case.  Hence BsBgUrL was born.

2.) Multiple Screennames

Way back before ghosting was a thing, having multiple screennames was an easy way to see if someone you had been talking to really fell off the face of the earth, or they just decided to block you.  It was also an easy way to spy on crushes.  You could log in on your other screenname and check what they posted on their profile.  (It should be noted that this often backfired as they could easily do the same to you, but we all did it.)  

3.) The Coveted Away Message

I know I’m not the only one here when I say that my away messages were on point.  Sometimes I would just log on and be away because they were just that good.  (Don’t lie, you know you did the same.)  They would perfectly reflect my current mood and allow me to be cryptic when I wanted to be.  The best way to do this of course was to use song lyrics and television and movie quotes.  I dug into my vault to share just a few of my favorites.  Extra points go to those of you who can pinpoint which songs these are from and bonus points if you can name the television show I was watching that inspired them.

"Not everything is gonna be the way

You think it ought to be.

It seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me."

"Careful what you wish and just how

far you let it lead you......

'til you find you can so simply go on"

Try these ones out.  Which television show are they from?  Bonus points if you can name the character who said them!

"Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate. Who to trust. It's just, like, the more I know, the more confused I get."

"Well... Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?!"

"It begins where it ends....in nothingness. A nightmare born from deepest fears, coming to me unguarded. Whispering images unlocked from time and distance. A soul unbound--touched by others but never held. On a course charted by some unseen hand. The journey ahead promising no more than my past reflecting back upon me, until at last, I reach the end. Facing a truth I can no longer deny. Alone, as ever."

4.) Emoticons

Before there were cell phones and the advent of emojis, we had to rely on simple keyboard combinations, which I definitely don’t remember very well.  These few were common:

:)- happy

;)- wink

:(- sad

:P- sticking tongue out  

<3- heart/love

5.) Buddy List

It always seemed to be a competition among friends as to who could get the most friends on their "Buddy List."  You could easily divide your "buddies" into different lists, so that you wouldn't combine your friends and family into the same category.  It's interesting how we felt the need to do this.  Many people even made a list with people they would never IM but wanted see if they were online.  It was certainly a good spying tool.

6.) Robots 

Before there was Siri there was SmarterChild.  You could ask him a question and he would try and answer it.  He got just as easily confused as Siri does and didn't like it if you said mean things to him.

There you have it.  These are all the amazing features kids growing up today will never have the chance to know or understand, but I'm glad I did.  There was something so simple about those middle school years.  I can't remember the last time I actually said, "Catch ya later on AIM?" but I remember how glorious it was to ask that.  Now excuse me while I sign off for the last time:(.