‘Untamed’ Seeks to Find Your Inner Truth

Glennon Doyle’s “Untamed” asserts that we were conditioned at a young age to be something that we are not.  She asks, “Who was I before I became who the world told me to be?” (p. 6).  This “taming” begins around age ten, when “children begin to hide who they are in order to become what the world expects them to be… Ten is when the world sat me down, told me to be quiet, and pointed towards my cages” (p. 4). 

The more Doyle tried to tame the “wild” within her, the more she truly lost herself.  It was not until many years later as an adult that she came to this realization-and came to accept and Know the person she was supposed to be.

When Doyle shares learning of her husband’s infidelity, Doyle’s reaction might appear to some as odd, but as a writer myself who can appreciate the perfect plot mixed in with humor, (whether it was added for comedic relief or her actual reaction at the time), I would call it freaking fabulous.  “I sat in the driver’s seat for a while and realized that the revelation of my husband’s betrayal did not leave me feeling the despair of a wife with a broken heart.  I was feeling the rage of a writer with a broken plot.  Hell hath no fury like a memoirist whose husband just f***d up her story” (p. 33).

Ironically, at the very book tour where she was promoting “Love Warrior” about her current “love story,” was where her next love story began- when a woman named Abby lit the room on fire.  Doyle’s love for her wife Abby is conveyed so poignantly throughout this book, that it makes you wonder if love at first sight exists.  “Fire-red and golden rolling bubbles of pain and love and longing filled me, brought me to my feet, threw my arms open wide, insisting: There. She. Is” (p. 46).  Seeing Abby brought out her “wild.”  She writes, “I wanted her, and it was the first time I wanted something beyond what I had been trained to want” (p. 5).  It was the first time Doyle gave herself permission to love without restriction.  “After thirty years of contorting myself to fit inside someone else’s idea of love, I finally had a love that fit—custom made for me, by me” (p. 5).

Some might call Doyle’s story or family unconventional—but the purpose of this book is to challenge conventions.  Any word that was ever created is a perception of how groups of people came to describe something.  Accepting the way things are “supposed to be” takes away from individual lived experiences.  Doyle shares her experiences, showing how she challenges the system, whatever that might be.  A family does not have to be nuclear.  Love does not have to be between a man and a woman.  Doyle challenges you to ask yourself what beliefs you hold that you were conditioned to believe as truths and then flip them on their head.  Find your truth.  Find your Knowing. 

The problem with conformity is of course nothing changes.  People remain comfortable, complacent even.  Every movement in history started with someone bringing light to the uncomfortable.  As Doyle writes, it was only when she stopped pleasing others that became who she was meant to be.  “I set free my beautiful, rowdy, true wild self…I did it by resurrecting the very parts of myself I was trained to mistrust, hide, and abandon in order to keep others comfortable..” (p. 47).

As Doyle recalls speaking with Oprah Winfrey about her first memoir in which she wrote, “I was born a little broken,” (p. 114), Doyle now sees the absurdity of that statement.  She writes on p. 92, “Broken means: does not function as it was designed to function.  A broken human is one who does not function the way humans are designed to function.” 

As Doyle speaks candidly about her battles with bulimia and alcoholism, this becomes even clearer.  Life was not designed to be easy.  It was meant to be messy and challenging.  “Being human is not hard because you’re doing it wrong, it’s hard because you’re doing it right.  You will never change the fact that being human is hard, so you must change your idea that it was ever supposed to be easy” (p. 93).  Our shared human experiences are filled with doubt, envy, longing to do better or be better, etc.  Confronting these challenges is what makes us human.  “If this is our shared human experience, where did we get the idea that there is some other, better, more perfect, unbroken way to be human?” (p. 93).   

Everyone possesses within them a voice that guides them.  Some might call it a conscience, others might call it God, but Doyle calls it the Knowing.  “The Knowing feels like warm, liquid gold filling my veins..” (p. 58).  She first discovered it after several sessions of climbing into her closet, closing her eyes, and “sinking” into herself.  “I have learned that if I want to rise, I have to sink first” (p. 60).  When confronted with decisions, Doyle writes, “I just do the next thing the Knowing guides me toward, one thing at a time.  I don’t ask permission first..” (p. 60). 

If there’s anything I’ve learned from this book it is to be brave- whatever that means to you.  Embrace your Knowing.  When you find it, there is no need to be afraid.  Take chances.  Defy conventions.  You got this.

Today is Friday, July 24^th and Taylor Swift just released her latest album yesterday.  I have been working on this review for a few days, not quite sure how to work in the beautiful artwork on the front cover, of which I knew I had to have because it is glittery and colorful and speaks to me, despite the fact that you should never judge a book by its cover.  And there in the song, “Illicit Affairs” I see it all clearly now.  Abby is all over this cover.  Doyle’s story began with her husband’s illicit affairs, but her story didn’t end there.  She got out of that relationship and Abby reawakened her life to one filled with colors “you know I can't see with anyone else.” 

Incomparable: The Bella Twins

A couple of years ago, I stumbled upon a show called “Total Bellas.”  It was a show premised around identical twin sisters Nikki and Brie Bella and their lives both inside and outside the wrestling ring.  I had never been into wrestling despite growing up with two brothers who loved it religiously and I’m still not so much, but I was captivated by the story behind the scenes- both in the locker room and outside of it.  In particular, that meant watching how these two powerhouses led the charge on changing the culture of WWE as well as become powerful entrepreneurs outside the ring.  I’ve continued to follow their journey onto “Total Bellas,” Nicole on Dancing with the Stars, their foray into the creation of a women empowerment line Birdie Bee and of course their wine lines (I finally snagged 2 bottles of their Rose before it sold out again).  Diving into their memoir, I thought I knew the whole story but the cameras can only capture so much.  Their memoir is honest, raw, and filled with anecdotes that unmask how emotionally, spiritually, and brave these sisters are.  Incomparable feels like a journey of self-discovery, and one in which women in particular will likely relate to. 

Empowerment

Too often women get bogged down by the perception of how society wants them to act or look.  If you are a size 0 you are too thin, if you are a size 10 you are too fat, if you speak your mind you are a bitch.  Name-calling, competitiveness and judgement happen in all aspects of life and it certainly happened at WWE but both Bellas navigated that terrain and came out of it stronger.  I certainly stand in solidarity with Nicole as she writes, “As women, we too often feel threatened by other women.  We should celebrate what they achieve as a testament of what we can achieve too” (p. xi). 

Brie mentions how at WWE, it wasn’t always your time to shine, that you had to step aside to let others have their moment.  Back when male wrestlers were labeled Superstars, and female wrestlers only as Divas, this perspective had yet to be realized.  While female wrestlers may not be 100% on equal footing with their male counterparts today, there is no denying the impact the Bella twins had on narrowing the gender divide.

Confidence

Confidence is about knowing your self-worth and not caring about those who judge.  As Nicole writes on page 212, “I love myself, I respect myself, I am sexual, and I am strong—I can kick anyone’s ass.  But I would rather do it in Christian Louboutin heels and a bondage dress.”

Motherhood

When Birdie Bee was launched, Brie made it a point to not be photo shopped when photographing their lingerie line.  She admits that her body had changed after the birth of Birdie, and despite being an athlete, losing weight was hard.  She easily could have turned down her big comeback or crash dieted but wanted to set an example for Birdie.  She in turn set an example for girls and women everywhere. 

As Brie reflects on Birdie’s birth, she recounts how it was the first time in her life where she was powerless. Despite her and her husband’s best efforts, planning the perfect birth did not pan out but it was when she relinquished control that she realized that was how it was meant to be.  “By all means, shoot for the stars and declare the birth story of your dreams, but think of it instead as like a birth wish instead of a birth plan. There is no shame if it doesn’t work out, and no shame in needing help” (p. 216).

Women today wear many hats, and should not feel embarrassed or undeserving of taking time for their self either!  Brie says it best, “Sometimes at the end of a crazy day, when I know I should work out, I choose to pour myself a glass of wine instead.  There are days when you need to say screw the gym in favor of some Cabernet—embrace them!” (p. 223).

#MeToo

As a woman, I have often viewed power in a negative connotation.  However, as a cultural shift has begun especially with the #MeToo movement, that view is also shifting.  I was shocked to learn that Nicole was a victim of sexual assault twice in her life.  By sharing her story, hopefully others will find solace in knowing that despite that trauma, she has learned to use her voice.  She writes, “Being a woman, and owning our femininity, is an incredible source of power.  Being a woman means you have the ability to enthrall, the ability to hold, the ability to create.  And so much more” (p. 213).

Heartbreak

When Brie reflects on her first true love Bear, who died in a tragic car accident, the reader sees her vulnerable side while also remembering what it is like to be young and in love.  She writes, “We had a profound connection, like we had known each other forever.” (p. 59).  When he passed she writes, “Feeling ‘normal’ again was a terrifying idea.  I didn’t want a new normal without Bear” (p. 65).  But she did find a new normal.  Considering that is a word that gets tossed out a lot given the current climate of the world, Brie found a way to incorporate her past with her present, taking signs from Bear throughout her life, pushing her forward to fall in love again and achieve her dreams.  My favorite stories include when she went to see a psychic who knew things that only she and Bear shared such as the way he stroked her earlobes.  The hairs on my neck stood up.  Or when she went to a bookstore and was looking through a book on bears, and a feather flew out of it.  It is ok to hold onto these memories and take them with you.  When she speaks of her husband Bryan, he just gets it, “He can hold all of me, even the parts that will be a little broken…He understands that my heart is fully his—but that there’s room in there to celebrate Bear” (p. 74).    

Love

Only one chapter was reserved for John Cena.  At first glance, this seemed odd given Nicole and John were in a relationship for 8 years, even getting engaged at one point.  Nicole mentions how viewers got to see their relationship play out on tv in real time, and from what I remember John was a very private person so this makes sense.  However, as I dive into Chapter 9 and Nicole notes she had “many regrets about that relationship” (p. 199), it is clear that there are wounds there that she had to work through to get to where she is today- wounds that are private and don’t necessarily need to be shared with the whole world.

I suspect much of this book was also written prior to Nicole’s relationship with Artem, her now fiancé, and the soon-to-be-birth of her son.  That is a chapter that has yet to be written, and is a love story all its own.  I am looking forward to that chapter knowing that motherhood was always in the cards for Nicole.

Additionally, watching Brie reconnect with Bryan in this past season of Total Bellas and finding out that baby number two was on the way at the same time as her twin sister- that’s another chapter that has yet to be written. 

Some chapters were harder to read then others, such as hearing about the physical abuse suffered at the hands of their father, or how they found their mother sobbing when she learned of his infidelity.  It is easy to assume sometimes that those in the spotlight have everything they have ever wanted and never once suffered any sort of pain, but that is simply not true.  I found that Nicole and Brie shared their stories in a way that made me appreciate them even more.  Nicole sums it up best:  “It isn’t surprising that a lot of people assume Brie and I are in the wrestling game because we want to be famous; but we’re actually in this because we want to be successful…we wanted to change the world” (p. 231).